FRIENDS
Ex texting boyfriend frequently
friends
What happened
My boyfriend's ex still texts him fairly regularly — happy birthday, how's your family, that kind of thing. He says it's harmless and they're just friends now. I don't have a problem with exes staying friendly, but something about the frequency bothers me and I can't tell if I'm being insecure or if my gut is picking up on something real.
Five people offer opinions on the same situation.
Here is what each one noticed.
The Deep Thinker
The emotional opinion
What stands out
The emotional center here is, “I don’t know if this is a real threat or if I’m overreacting, and I don’t have enough information to tell.” What we know: she texts him “fairly regularly” with warm, personal check-ins; he labels it harmless. What we don’t know: how often, who initiates most of the time, whether he ever sets limits, and how he talks about you in that channel. One possible read is that the frequency is brushing up against a boundary you didn’t realize you had about how much access exes get, so the unease is about unclear rules more than about this specific woman. Another is that your body is noticing a power imbalance: she has an ongoing private line into him, and you’re being asked to just trust it’s nothing. What would distinguish them is seeing how he responds if you ask for more transparency or a firmer boundary.
Best Friend
The protective opinion
The straight answer
Here’s the thing: if it bugs you this much, it’s not “harmless” for you. You’re not freaking out about one birthday text, you’re talking about a whole pattern. Don’t gaslight yourself with the word insecure. Just tell him straight: “I’m not comfortable with how often she’s in your phone. I need you to put clearer distance there if this relationship is serious to you.”
Grandma
The long-view opinion
What experience says
I’ll tell you what, your gut ain’t stupid. There’s a difference between “we’re on good terms” and a slow little drip of attention that never really stops. This isn’t just one stray birthday text, it’s a channel. You don’t need to accuse him of cheating; you do need to say, “The frequency of this makes me uncomfortable. I need clearer boundaries with exes to feel solid here.” His reaction to that will tell you more than the texts do.
Sherlock Holmes
The careful opinion
The useful clue
The most specific feature here is the *content* of the messages: birthdays, family check‑ins, broadly polite topics. That is exactly the sort of contact people cite when they wish to present something as socially harmless. More interesting is what is *not* mentioned: who ended that relationship, how long ago, how often “fairly regularly” actually is, and whether he volunteers these texts to you or you happen to see them. Two details matter. First, the asymmetry of effort: she initiates, he reassures you. Second, his explanation stops at “it’s harmless,” rather than offering concrete boundaries (how often they talk, whether you can read those threads, whether he would reduce contact if you asked). And there, I think, is the answer: the issue is not the existence of contact, but his lack of explicit, visible limits around it.
The Comedian
The absurdity opinion
The absurd part
“Happy birthday” and “how’s your family” on loop is wild, that’s not an ex, that’s a customer service follow-up. You’re over there being the girlfriend while she’s basically running a loyalty program with push notifications.
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