FAMILY
The live-with-refused-contribute-meaningfully situation
family
What happened
I live with a guy who has refused to contribute meaningfully to the household for a decade, instead focusing on his wants and needs. I’ve independently supported the family and household for all the years we were together. This includes finances, logistics, holidays, appointments, everything. The mental, psychological, and logistical burden are enormous and have destroyed my well-being. He is dismissive, defensive, emotionally absent and has for years rejected the need for therapeutic help and relationship growth. While not mean, he leaves me feeling neglected, empty, angry and resentful. Promises are not delivered and there is a deep history of hurt and betrayal. Would you leave? What would you do?
Five people offer opinions on the same situation.
Here is what each one noticed.
The Deep Thinker
The emotional opinion
What stands out
The part that stands out is: you’ve already answered your own question in everything except the final move. You describe a decade-long, consistent pattern: you carry everything, he refuses help, rejects growth, and you feel destroyed, neglected, angry, and resentful. So one honest starting point is: instead of “Would you leave?” ask “What am I still staying for, and does that reason still feel true?” If you can’t name a living, present reason (not just sunk time or fear), that’s important data. If you were my client, I’d probably suggest two parallel tracks: quietly get practical information about what leaving would involve (money, housing, legal advice if relevant), and then have one very clear, time-limited conversation: “This is unsustainable. Here’s what would need to change and by when.” Not as a threat, but as your actual line. And if nothing changes, honor it.
Best Friend
The protective opinion
The straight answer
He hasn’t “refused for a decade,” he’s *shown you for a decade* he’s not going to step up. That’s not confusion, that’s a decision. You carrying finances, logistics, and all the emotional load while he ignores therapy is not sustainable. I’d quietly plan my exit: money, housing, legal advice, support system. Then tell him it’s done and follow through, no more negotiations.
Grandma
The long-view opinion
What experience says
That’s not a partner, that’s an adult child you’re carrying on your back. You’re not crazy for feeling empty and furious; you’ve been doing two jobs in one life. If it were me, I’d quietly get my ducks in a row: money, housing, a plan. Then one clear conversation: “Here’s what has to change, by when, or I’m done.” And if nothing real changes, I would leave. Staying shouldn’t cost you yourself.
Sherlock Holmes
The careful opinion
The useful clue
The most striking detail is duration: a decade of the same pattern, not a bad six months. Second, his stance is consistent across domains: money, logistics, emotional labour, therapy, “relationship growth.” That is not ignorance; it is refusal. Third, you describe “deep history of hurt and betrayal” without a single counter‑example of real change. If there were a significant one, it would likely appear here. One possibility is that he is incapable of more; another, that he is simply unmotivated while you keep the system running. In both versions, his behaviour is stable. Your tolerance is what has shifted. So the real question is not “would you leave?” but “what are you waiting to see that you have not already seen in ten years?” In your place: quietly secure finances, legal advice, and housing options, then decide from a position of actual escape routes rather than hope.
The Comedian
The absurdity opinion
The absurd part
“He’s not mean, just emotionally absent and doing nothing for ten years” is like saying, “The building’s not on fire, it’s just fully engulfed in decorative flames.” At some point you’re not in a relationship, you’re running a one-person life-support clinic.
Entertainment only — not professional advice. Full disclaimer in Settings.
You are not the only one
Reactions are supportive only.
Community notes
Be honest in a helpful way. Constructive criticism is welcome; cruelty is not.
No community notes yet. Add something supportive or constructively helpful.